HyReviews.com's Favorite Jokes
One thing that's confusing to me is racism is always nasty.
Why can’t we have racism that’s ignorant...but nice?
You'd have stereotypes that are positive about race.
You could say, “You know, those Chinese people—they can fly!
And jeez, those Puerto Ricans—they’re made of candy!"
—Louis C.K.
When I was a kid, I prayed and prayed for a bike.
Then my mom said, "Religion doesn't work that way."
So I stole a bike
and asked God for forgiveness.
—Emo Philips
You know how when you're sitting in a chair
you start tipping it
backwards on its two back legs,
and then tipping it some more,
until you're
just about to tumble over...
but then you stop yourself from falling at the last second?
I feel that way all the time.
—Steven Wright
I am originally from Indiana.
I know what most of you are thinking.
Indiana...Mafia.
But I turned out bald, blind, and pale.
I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
Actually, the reason I look like this
is because my father was from Sweden
and my mother was Elton John.
I wish I was ethnic.
Because if you're Hispanic
and you get angry, people are like,
"He's got a Latin temper."
But if you're a white guy
and you get angry, people are like,
"That guy's a jerk."
—Jim Gaffigan
I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, like, a job
...and the missing half of this golden amulet.
—Maria Bamford
When you break up with a guy,
why does the guy get so upset?
Like, it's just business.
It's hard breaking up with them
because you have to be, like,
"Listen, you've run out of money."
—Natasha Leggero
Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl,
I just assume she has herpes.
Because that way
I don't have to tell her about my herpes.
—Anthony Jeselnik
Three out of four marriages go right down the shitter.
If you were about to skydive and they told you
three out of four parachutes didn't open,
you'd say, "Fuck that. I'm not goin'!"
I don't like those odds—
a 75% chance of splatting on the ground.
But there's something about getting married,
people just have to do it. They're like,
"Is this the line to lose half my shit? Awesome!"
—Bill Burr
Donald Trump is not just a rich man.
He's what a hobo imagines a
rich man to be.
It's like Trump was walking through an alley
and he heard a guy living there
say,
"Boy oh boy. As soon as my number comes in,
I'm going to put up
tall buildings
with my name on them.
I'll have fine golden hair.
And a TV show where I fire people
with my children."
And Trump said, "That is how
I will live my life.
Thank you, hobo, for that life plan."
I bet whenever Trump has to make
a decision,
he asks himself,
"What would a cartoon rich person do?"
Put up billboards with your face everywhere? That's a good idea.
Donald Trump won't run for President.
He'll just announce one day
that he is President.
—John Mulaney
I am so glad I am not a magician.
Comedy audiences come
to have a good time.
But magic is the only kind
of entertainment
where 90%
of the people there
are trying to ruin it for themselves.
"No! No way!! It's a mirror!!!"
I was at a show recently where I saw a man fly.
A wingless mammal
took flight!
To prove it wasn't a wire he flew
through hoops, boxes...it was amazing.
And this guy next to me leans over
and goes, "It's a magnet."
First of all, shut your mouth and enjoy the show.
And second, what does that even mean!?
I think those are just two things he doesn't understand.
"Well, I don't get magnets, and I don't get this.
This is magnets."
With comedy, there's a built-in
biological
response,
which is laughter,
that makes it very rewarding for a comic.
But there's no noise for magic.
That must be so frustrating for magicians.
I bet their one dream is for people to have
an involuntary response to what they do.
"And the tiger? It's over here now!"
And everyone in
the audience,
even the ones who don't want to,
would go,
"MmmmRrrrrrrAaaaaaammmmmmMagic!!!!"
—Pete Holmes
When I was 16, a schoolmate and I
were in the library checking
out books.
My friend complimented the librarian on her sweater,
saying it looked very nice.
"Well," she said, "it keeps one warm."
I responded, "What about the other one?"
—Daniel Kitson
An 8-year-old boy turned to the kid next to him
and he said, "I hate you."
And this kid was devastated.
He started crying those kinds of tears
you can sob only as a child.
He was saying, "I don't know
why you hate me; I don't know
what I have done to make you hate me."
And then softy, so quietly you had
to strain to hear it, he said, "Fuck."
The first boy heard him and said,
"Hold on. Do you swear?"
And he said "Yes."
And they were friends again.
Don't tell me swearing is wrong.
I have seen its healing properties.
—John Oliver
I realized recently that I dress like I'm 12.
And I'll always dress like this.
But say I have a 4-year-old son,
and we're walking down the street together.
I'll be dressed like I am now,
but to balance it out I'll make him
wear a three-piece suit and carry a briefcase.
And that way when some stranger
walks up to us on the street and says,
"What the hell is going on here?"
I'm going to train my son to say,
"We got hit by lightning!"
And then I'm going to go,
"Things with Mom are really weird."
—Leo Allen
I went on a job interview.
The lady asked me if I'd pass a drug
test.
I said, "Yeah, if it's written."
Then she was like, "You're going to need to pee in
a cup."
I said, "I'm going to need a month to study for it."
I also joined a gym recently.
The guy who
showed me around was
so excited
it was
open 24 hours.
He was like, "You can
work out at 3:00 in the morning!"
I told him, "Dude, if you see me
in here
at 3:00 am,
call an ambulance,
because I've been trapped under a piece of equipment for several hours."
—Gary Vider
A doctor tells a guy, "I have bad news.
You have Alzheimer's,
and you have cancer."
Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."
—Roseanne
This year my New Year's resolution was
to stop saying "Seacrest out!" after I ejaculate.
—Zach Galifianakis
Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day...
Is that fair to anyone who's alone?
Those are all days when you've got to be with someone.
If you didn't get around to killing yourself during Christmas or New Year's,
Boom! There's Valentine's Day.
I think there should be one more holiday after Valentine's Day,
just for the stragglers.
And it should be called "Who Could Love You?"
—Laura Kightlinger
I like parties, but I don't like piñatas
because the piñata promotes violence
against flamboyant animals.
"Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz.
Let's kick its ass."
What I'm trying to say is,
don't make the same
Halloween costume mistake that I did.
—Demetri Martin
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region,
or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879,
or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
—Emo Philips
Hy's Other Web Sites:
Copyright © 2012 Hy Bender
Email: hy@hyreviews.com
